2 whole weeks have passed since I last wrote and I was getting withdrawal symptoms. Thank you so much for all the love for my last post! My goodness I feel so honoured that so many of you would read it and give me such great feedback! You guys are wonderful and I am amazed that you love reading my ramblings about life, love and purpose just as much as I love writing them.
So I probably shouldn't post about marriage yet as I am just introducing myself more seriously into the blogosphere and it's quite a personal and deep topic. However, I have also never been one to be bothered about doing what's normally done, be it the social media blogging norm or not. So here goes...
Now (arguably) I may not be a marriage 'expert', but I must open up about a few things that qualify me to talk about this subject. Firstly, we have been married for 10 years this year...woop woop!! I feel when you are in double figures thats when you really feel married and like you have learned a thing or two during your time together so far. At least you better hope you have! Up until then you are just basically in a constant state of shock..."WTH??... did he really just dip his salty chips into his strawberry milkshake?!....ok I can't handle this...that's too vile" This was a genuine happening in our first year, on a date to McDonalds, that seriously made me question my choice of life partner. No joke.
He, on the other hand, found this hilarious. I digress.
Secondly, despite appearing to the outside world as the perfect couple *chortles*, we are not. I think admiting that you are not and knowing you may need help in some areas or even counselling is a brave thing to do and means that you are totally and whole-heartedly dedicated to each other. We have done and it means we have learnt some things through the struggle. Marriage is afterall, beautiful, and is worth protecting with all you have.
I have chosen 5 myths that I come across/read about/hear about and each one of them makes me stop in my tracks and think (or usually say) 'What?!.....Naaaaaaaaaah!' Here goes:
1) There is only one partner for you on the whole planet and if you dont find them then you are screwed
I dont believe so. Some Christians would disagree with me. Yes, I do believe that we need to be guided by the Spirit to have our eyes open to the right person for us but I think that right person can be a number of people (not all at once mind). I am inclined to believe God guides us away from mismatches rather than towards the single right one (though better if they are single!) I believe that God blesses your marriage and joins with you in your prayers to make the marriage beautiful. Of course there are things to look for in a partner, those things that get your heart racing and values that you must share for an easier ride in the future, however we have free will. We choose, and God blesses. God made us who he made us and he knew who we would be drawn to when he created us, so go with your God given flow!
2) Marriage is hard work
Yes, marriage can at times be hard. Yes, marriage sometimes requires effort that doesn't come naturally, work we may say. However, we need to be careful we don't go on about marriage being hard work or write articles and give advice to others, especially singles, comparing marriage to a job or to something that is anything other than a beautiful union of 2 souls that can bring the greatest earthly satifaction. Refering to my marriage as hard work or a struggle or strife in any way, in any context, is simply not healthy.
3) You're partner should be your best friend
No. Just no. Too much pressure! The notion of having a 'bestie' is something I am allergic to anyway but that's another post for another time.
Your partner cannot play all the roles that you need in your life and especially not all at once. My husband is fascinated by the thrills and spills of free energy and anything Tesla. I am not. I listen to him about what he is passionate about, however there are others who fulfil this role better than I do. Thank God there are others. He feels the same about me and my ramblings about home improvements and (constant) pregnancy facts. He doesn't get excited about 50% off at the second hand shop like me but I have other friends who do, and that's ok. I may not be able to talk to him about anything and everything but sometimes I dont want to. It's nice to have other friends. Don't put all your eggs in one basket! We sometimes expect too much from our partners. Life is more colourful with the different people that enter and leave it. What is unique about marriage is that, more than a best friend, you have a forever friend. Someone who knows you warts and all and still chooses to love you forever.
4) A happy marriage means you never argue
If you never argue I would suggest it's because you don't speak to each other. Or at least you don't speak enough. Or one of you speaks a lot and the other says 'yes dear' on repeat. Don't get offended now! And of course I don't mean we all have to have full blown shouty rows all the time (though they can sometimes secretly be a little fun), but some people argue quietly and that's still the same! The imortant thing is that you argue.....AND THEN work it out! Ok, I'm just keepin it real here y'all *said in a strong Texan drawl* so I hope you know what I am intending to say. Don't 'fight' but rather argue and work it out. Arguing means you are talking. Arguing means you are being open and honest with each other about real feelings and issues. Arguing means communication is alive. If the desire to connect is stronger than the desire to be right then you dont have to fear an argument. You will use it to your collective advantage. I suppose the term 'argument' has bad connotations for people and 'conflict' is probably better. My best, most honest, most healing, most beautifully raw and loving conversations with my husband have been after a conflict. We fixed it and moved on as better individuals and better team mates.(aside - at the point of editing this post we had had a conflict and have now fixed it superbly. I feel like our relationship has moved up a notch and to a new level of intimacy. Yey for conflicts!)
5) Marriage is 50/50
Really? In what parallel universe and what sphere of consciousness? Marriage is NEVER 50/50. Marriage is of course equal. Men and women are equal. But there is never one time when it is 50/50. Allow me to explain. I stay home for the majority of the day and wash the dishes (numerous times), hoover (every day because, children), polish, cook dinner (sometimes 2 meals), wash, dry and sort clothes as well as other jobs that have to be done that day. Hubby comes home from work and eats. Then....relaxes, maybe taking his plate out to the kitchen. That's not 50/50! I'm not complaining. I know that in the area of housework we are 80/20. In the area of going out of the house to work we are 90/10. I believe a more adequate way to refer to marriage rather than 50/50 would be 100/100 .... I know mathmatically it doesnt work but bare with me. I need a husband 100%....not 50% and he needs a wife 100% not 50%. It's not a game of halves. It's not tit for tat. I cooked for you today so you cook for me tomorrow. I give my ALL. He does too. But even if he doesnt, I still do. When I don't, and feel rubbish and down, he still gives his ALL. 100%. Pretty intense, yeh. Also, very necessary. We cover each other's weaknesses and make up for them. That's what teams do. You work to your strength, not your percentage. You don't clock on and clock off. It's pretty much a 24/7 giving-all-you-have deal. It is worth it though, trust me.
So there we go. My two pence about myths of marriage. Did/do you believe any of them? I would love you to challenge me on anything I have said or give me some feedback. Get the conversation flowing! I will probably do a post on things that have helped me and things I have learnt about marriage in the future. Not because I am trying to pretend I know better than anyone else but because I struggled for a while and now I dont struggle so maybe someone else could benefit from my words.
I love you guys and I cant wait for you to read my next installment that I am working on already. Exciting!
For now, have a wonderful rest of your week and weekend!
Peace and Love xxx
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